After Nick Saban left the Dolphins in the dust, we felt we need to create a category that was special... something that went beyond the concept of the Wa-NICK-er, and really paid special attention to players and coaches who are unbelieveably inapt.
Bill "mercenary" Parcells
enshrined January 21, 2011
Bill Parcells had somewhat of an impressive resume. He had won it all in New York, and produced some good teams in New England, the other New York, and Dallas. And he was the first recipient of the sports-drink shower. The problem was always that he somehow managed to call attention himself as he left each job, and undermined the team success to some degree as a result.
The difference in Miami was that he was hired to manage the football operation, not to coach. It was up to him to rebuild the Dolphins as winners. And, in a general sense, H Wayne should be lauded for causing that to happen.
Of course this was the second time H had handed complete authority to a single person. The first time was when he handed the reigns to Jimmy Johnson. JJ may have ultimately had limited success, but he fielded competitive teams and was regularly in the playoffs.
So Parcells came to town to help resurrect a team that had just gone 1-15. The headlines read that the Tuna was going to save the Dolphins. But, lets be honest here: pretty much anyone - you are I included - probably could have improved on 1-15. Maybe not to 11-5, but still...
He put in place a first-time coach, and a first-time GM. They said and did all the right things, and had the right attitude. And the team went 11-5 that first year, a gaudy stat that is padded because Miami lucked into a relatively easy schedule. And of course they should have sent thank-you cards to Brett Favre, since his arrival at the Jets meant Chad Pennington was free to come to Miami. He probably accounted for 3-4 wins that season himself.
Because there was success, a lot of things were overlooked. But somewhat strange things were afoot. No one really knew who was "in charge." Who made the personnel decisions? How much was Bill involved? They called it the Triumverate. We ultimately called it the Three Stooges. Bill *never* talked with the press. Ever. He was always unavailable for comment and was aloof. He was a god-like creature and should be lauded, or at least that was the perception he gave.
There was one voice for the franchise, and that was the voice of his "hand picked" coach, one Tony Sparano.
Flash forward a bit. H Wayne sells the team. Parcells took the job because of his personal relationship with H. There's an out clause in his contract, since the sale was a possibility. New owner Stephen Ross decides to essentially guarantee Parcells' contract and will let him walk at any time, with pay.
Parcells - reportedly - is taking less and less interest in the team. But who can say for sure? He doesn't talk. Except that he occasionally appears on national talk shows. That was weird.
At the start of the 2009 season, he considers leaving but "doesn't want to be a distraction," and so stays as the VP.
At the start of the 2010 season, there's a memo circulated that Parcells has stepped down as VP and is now a consultant to the team. So much for not being a distraction. We're told he's "upstairs watching game film" and "nothing has changed." Except, of course, it had changed. Bill had long ago cleared out his desk and only stopped by to visit.
And then he starts talking to more national reporters, but no one locally. He mainly steers clear of the Dolphins except to tell us that he doesn't think Chad Henne - who *he* drafted - is the right guy for the job. Now remember he says this while the season is going on, and he's being paid as a "consultant" for the team. Nice bit of teamwork there.
Okay, that's bad enough, I suppose. But there are also tales about sticky notes to players with a dollar amount for a contract. JT's account of his (lack of) relationship with Bill. And assorted other uncorroborated stories that point to him as running a football operation that is, well, out of whack.
Also odd: He had 95% roster turnover, and I would argue that player-for-player the team he left was no better than the one he inherited.
Two things stand out during his tenure: he wanted to build a 1950s era team that could play "smash mouth" football, and everything is a secret to "maintain a competitive advantage"....reporters and non-football people are moved out of the team facility to ensure that happens. Remember, this is a sport, not a company that has a secret soft drink formula. Was he afraid that someone might get wind of who the second-team long snapper was?
But back to our story: essentially, he "checked out" in 2009, and left in 2010. And he will be paid in 2011, regardless. To the tune of $4mil per year.
And as the 2010 campaign wound down, he was actually shopping his services to other teams! WTF?! Have you no dignity? We don't know how many he consulted with, but there was at least one (San Francisco) who took him up on his offer.
And then the story broke that absolutely solidified his induction into the hallowed wankerer hall: he met and liked Rex Ryan, and in 2009, he flirted with the idea of replacing Sparano with Ryan. But he didn't do it because of his personal relationship with Tony. So instead, *he* contacted the Jets and recommended they hire Rex. And during the season, he consulted with Rex on how to manage his team.
Yes, you read that right. While he was being paid as the VP of football operations for the Miami Dolphins, he consulted with another team in the division, and gave advice.
And the coach he recommended has had more success than the Dolphins coach. So, the argument I make is that while his checks were being signed by the Miami Dolphins he made a decision that was not in the best interest of his employer, and rather helped another team. That's wrong on so many levels, it rivals Little Nicky for its audacity!
In summary, we assumed that he was really doing nothing to help the Dolphins and was letting them roll along, but in fact he was undermining their success. Dude, there's a word for that: you are a WANKER.
Dan Marino was better at this job, and he only had it for 21 days.
We tried to contact Parcells to give him his award, but through a press release (why would he talk with *us*?) he said "Its fans like you that are brining down this team. Just have blind faith. What business is it of yours how I do things? "